Saturday, December 17 2011
I am the average person who dreams of achieving spectacular things, but who has at the moment deviated from the initial route. it all started when i decided to look around and discover my alternatives. there is nothing wrong with knowing there are side roads that one can take, nor is it wrong to actually explore them every once in a while. But i am a bit worried that i may have gone too far into the woods, where there are no roads, just mere paths of ambiguous origin and destination.
i am aware that some broken fences cannot be mended, and some tracks cannot be erased- but i think that it is all just part of the travel. Sometimes i stop and try to look back in order to make sure that i still remember the way, but ever since i stopped seeing anything, i just keep going further and farther, without actually knowing where i’ll end up. i keep bending the trees and pushing away the leaves, even though, somewhere inside, i know that the path i am taking is probably not traveled much for a reason. and yes, i do fear that my irrationality will catch up and more than likely it will not be a pleasant encounter, but even if i see the main road – paved, lighted, clean, safe – i think i am gonna stay on the side ones for a while longer.
i have come to know myself a lot better ever since i commenced this journey, some things i like and some i don’t. some i hate and some i have learned to accept. so i do not even attempt to lie and say that i will get back on the highway. yes, it will get me THERE faster. Easier. Safer. And, most importantly, it will get me there for sure.
i was a little worried that i, unlike others around me, am not in a hurry to do X and Y, the latter being all the stuff that i am expected to do till i reach a certain age, status, position etc. But i cannot help but wonder, what do i do after a get to max(X) and max(Y) ? Wonder about those side roads i could have taken ? And why ? Why do i need to get to X and Y ? Maybe i am different. Maybe i want Z. Maybe i want a less regular variable.
maybe i want to be special. maybe i don’t. i guess i will figure that out as i go.
It’s a cliché, i know. But for me, IT IS all about the getting there. My goal is not the destination, it’s the journey. … Ok, maybe 50/50. of course, i have to make sure that i do get to A and B, because no matter how trite these destinations are, i actually want to get there. I am just not sure if i am close enough to those points yet. and the fact that i am not doing anything to get any closer is a red flag.
Maybe i am not ready. Maybe i am just plain irresponsible. half of the time, i do not know why i do the things i do.
i am just trying to be happy.
Almost 2 years have gone by, and i am still in the woods. Maybe it is time to light the signal flare.